Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.

If your house ain't in order, you ain't in order. It is so much easier to be out there than in here.

I only drink champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.

Sleep is the best meditation.

Very few of us are what we seem.

Age wrinkles the body; quitting wrinkles the soul.

Experience is a good school. But the fees are high.