I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Golf is fun - until you hit somebody in the head.

I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.

My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.