If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.

Golf is fun - until you hit somebody in the head.

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Laugh it off. There’s always another night.

If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

The funny thing about Thanksgiving ,or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook, chop, braise and blanch. Then it’s gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sort of in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up.